10 things you want to tell to 10 different people

1. Dad, I think I might take you up on that offer of going back to Malaysia. I want something new. Something good for me. I want to escape. Get away from here. I want to return to a time where I felt good in my own skin, with friends I knew were real and when all these little things didn't matter. I want my confidence back. I want to trust people again. I want to stop trying so fucking hard.

2. Sophie, I'm sorry about the Svabek thing. Honest to God. I want to do it, but I won't invest so much time and effort into something I don't feel so strongly about. I didn't feel like this earlier, but after a lot of thinking, I think it's for the best. I really hope you understand. I know, you probably see this as a let down, like many of the other things I've done in the past. But honestly, I never meant to hurt you in any way. This is about me. Not about you.

3. My old English teacher, Mrs. Cheong, I miss you. And I wish you were here to knock some sense in my head. Remind me that there are bigger things in life. Make me fall in love with poetry again. Talking to you and spending time in your office discussing about deeper things always made me look at things in life a little bit better. Now, more than anything, some of that wisdom would be of much help.

4. My ex, Firhard, yeah. I cut you off. It was for the best. You were happy. I wasn't. I probably would've done something to stop you from being happy. Probably pull something from 'My Best Friend's Wedding' or something like that. Not that you've ever watched that movie. Anywho, I won't say I wish you well because I'd be lying but I will tell you this: I'm glad that karma did all your dirty work for you!

5. Alya, you're my best friend in this whole wide world. A lot of the time, I don't feel like I have one. But I'd like to think that I will always have you. Regardless. You and me? Tighter than a nun's vagina!

6. Robert Pattinson, you were my numero uno but times have changed. I still love you. You were, after all, my first celebrity love. And that's always hard to shake off. But now, there's someone new. His name is Joseph Gordon-Levitt. You may be familiar with him. Anywho, but do not fret! I will gladly have casual sex with you from time to time. You know... for old time's sake.

7. My two brothers who are with me right now, Adzrai and Adil, you guys are pretty damn epic. And I don't call people epic very often. So consider yourselves honoured. All the laughter you've brought out of me. All the light that you've given me when this whole time I was in a neverending tunnel. For all that I say thank you. And I love you both. And despite the age difference, and the minimal time we spend with each other, I think those things make us work even better as siblings. Gonna miss y'all when you leave!

8. That guy I saw at that castle in Ediburgh wearing a gray jacket with some worn gray Chuck Taylor's accompanying his parents. Yeah, you. (The details are all muddled up, but in my head, I can see you clearly.) You are super cute. And I'd totally have approached you if I weren't an introverted fuck. I'd bring you out and shop for Vinyl and we'd listen to them together. Then, I'd use my polaroid camera and take ridiculous candid shots of you. And I'd make you coffee, you'd make me hot chocolate with marshmellows and we cuddle under the hotel sheets for a little bit. I wish.

9. Ginger, I miss you bubu! Suffering from terrible withdrawal symptoms here. Hope you're having fun. No having unprotected sex, okay? I may be with two other men... but believe me, when I'm down and lonely and crying my eyes out over some boy, it's you, Ginger, who I want to be cuddling with. No one else but you. Mommy loves you, too.

10. Aforementioned boy, you are a mindfuck. I hope you're proud of that. It can be listed in your achievements or something as, "Fucking with Elida's mind, heart and soul to a point where she's just damaged. Damaged for a good year at least. I wasted over a year of her life when she started liking me, and now I'm going to waste another year of her life because she is trying to get over me." Let's hear it for you, huh? That's one hell of an accomplishment. I bet you go to sleep feeling so good about yourself, don't you? Fuck you.

The last time I cried, it was in Croatia. It was in the middle of the night. I just finished watching Dear John and when I watch sad movies like that, my mind tends to make my life look like a love story written by Nicholas Sparks. So I cried.

Well, that's not true. I cried about an hour ago. And I think, the moment right before I drift off to sleep, I'll be crying again.

Why am I the way I am? Why can't I be someone else? Someone likeable, sociable and maybe even lovable. Why am I awkward, distant, and slightly standoffish.

Sure, you can say it's a state of mind and you can change it, but to you, all I can say: shut the fuck up.

This is how I am. I have low self-esteem. No pep-talk saying, "you can change, you just need to put your mind into it!" is going to change that. If anything, it only makes it worse. Some people are born with it. Some people learn it from a young age. I just wasn't lucky.

I'm not a Dari.

And I guess that's the problem. Why the fuck am I not? Well, here's the simple truth darling: you're just not her. You're just sad, pathetic you and that's all you're ever going to be.















"And honestly, I'm not sure if I should keep holding on or let go. It's stupid to hold on to something that just keeps hurting you, but it's also stupid to let go of everything you ever wanted."

packing for a two-week trip

the title says it all.

here I am. up at 0524 hours, still unpacked... for a flight that leaves in 4 hours. I've got no sleep. I've just been prolonging the dreaded task of packing.

don't get me wrong. packing's fine. especially when you know exactly what you'll be doing for the next few days and you know where you'll be and therefore know how the weather'll be like in that specific area.

is it the same for this trip? NO.

so, my dad's come up with this vacation where we initially spend 3 days in London, then suddenly we're off by the English Riviera, and then the rest of the days are uncertain. I do, however, know that we'll be in parts of Ireland and Scotland. that doesn't give a girl much information! also, we're going to these obscure places that aren't even easy to find the weather for!

in addition, we're going for two weeks. do you know the amount of clothes needed in such duration? heaps! especially if you're me and refuse to wear something twice on holiday. which I tend to. but you know what I hate more than wearing something twice on vacation? dragging along massive quantities of big and old bags that won't even slide well, so when I use the word drag... I'm not exaggerating!

I am so stressed. I am not looking forward to this trip. I want to go to sleep. I want to see this boy I'm absolutely crazy about, I want him to hold me, tell me everything will be fine. I need him to give me some form of happiness. Maybe then my mind will calm down.

To said boy: I miss you terribly.

Sleepless in Vienna

It's 5.54AM.

I haven't slept one bit. This has got to end. For the past 2 weeks and a bit, my sleeping patterns have just been messed up. I had this conversation with Jj...


[29/07/2010 22:05:16] JJ Park: :)
[29/07/2010 22:05:26] Elida: brb
[29/07/2010 22:05:30] Elida: dinner!
[29/07/2010 22:05:39] Elida: and then i'll take a looooong hot bath ;)
[29/07/2010 22:09:40] JJ Park: dinner?
[29/07/2010 22:09:42] JJ Park: its 10 pm
[29/07/2010 22:28:23] Elida: yeah well i had breakfast at 2pm
[29/07/2010 22:28:25] Elida: so... dinner's at 10
[29/07/2010 22:28:29] Elida: :P
[29/07/2010 22:29:01] JJ Park: ..
[29/07/2010 22:29:02] JJ Park: riiight
[29/07/2010 22:29:29] Elida: what? i don't go to sleep until 3am anyway so it's all good :P
[29/07/2010 22:29:39] JJ Park: so technically
[29/07/2010 22:29:48] JJ Park: ur still lving in like us time zome :)

It did not dawn upon me that I was still in the US time zone. It did not occur to me that I may just in fact be suffering from a long-term case of jet-lag. Blond moment, much?

Apart from that, I'm just really annoyed with a 'friend' of mine. I told myself I wasn't going to bitch about anyone openly on this blog but a girl needs to vent otherwise she explodes. And when she does, it ain't pretty! But in order for it to be less mean, I'll try stay as neutral as possible and not drop names. :)

WHAT A HOEBAG! >.<

hahaha. Just kidding. I was being contradictory, you see. Get it? No. Okay. Moving on.

I've tried patching things up, going out of my way to make things easier between the two of us. Trying to be at least friendly with each other but now we're merely 'acquaintances' and I don't know how to function like that. Given our circumstance, it's going to be really hard. So, whoever who might notice, I hope you understand my absence in... well... life. Vague? Well, yeah. Staying neutral, remember? I just wish she would not make it so blatantly obvious that she just doesn't feel so close to me. I mean, I get it. It's not like I'm her best friend or anything, but at least have the decency of replying to my wallpost. That's just being courteous, okay? Should not be so hard.

Some may say that I've brought this down on myself because I've found other people. But really, is that a crime? So what if I go out and get some perspective? So what if I get out of my comfort zone from time to time? So what if I don't only gravitate towards you? So what if I live a little more rather than sit at home watching other people live? It may have not improved me in school or whatever, but as a person, socially, I feel like I've reached milestones! I'm not this shy little anti-social asian nerd stuck in one corner with a book in front of my face, standing back being a wallflower. I mean, we're only teenagers once in our lives... might as well live it up while we still can and we're allowed to screw up! Life's a huge rollercoaster ride. We're entitled to some thrills.

Since when did life get so serious? Schoolwork, ballroom dancing, studying for exams. I get it, all of this is important. I know I'm not one of those people who don't try hard at all and still get a good grade on something. I'm not naturally smart that way. I work reasonably hard, and study as much as I can (albeit the day before) in order to get the grade I think I deserve. I can't just not study and get a 7. It just doesn't work. But that doesn't mean I should spend my weekends studying my ass off and focusing only about getting a stupid number on my report card. Granted, those silly old numbers make a difference. But see, in my opinion, if they don't matter to you, then they really don't matter at all. So what if it matters to a university? To your future employers? Screw them!

This sort of attitude is very silly, but really, grades only become important up to a certain extent. My circle of friends don't get that, my parents don't get that and neither do my siblings. So hear me out. When you're 80, in your deathbed, you're not going to be thinking about how many points you got in the IB. You're going to be thinking about the night you spent in the hospital suffering from hypothermia because the night before the IB, you decided to go skinny dipping with a whole bunch of friends just for the sake of it. You're not going to be thinking about that grade you got on your Grade 10 end of year Math exam. You'll be thinking about the first time you locked eyes with the love of your life. And you will definitely not remember all those endless day and nights you spent locked in your room studying for a test. You're remembering the moment your child first says, "Mama" to you.  (I'm saying this assuming my readership is strictly the female gender, if I'm wrong, I apologise. In your case they'll say Dad or something. But babies hardly say Dad... so.)

Do you get it? Grades will only get you so far. In the end, it's up to you. And no matter what you choose, you chose right. You know why? Because at the moment when you chose it, it was exactly what you needed. It could've been the right one which lead you to the awesome person you are now... or a mistake which you will forever learn a lesson from. Either way, life's not THAT short to be afraid of making mistakes. Life's for living. So go live a little. ;)

Eu-freaking-reka!

A wise woman once told me that when I'm frustrated and I can't have a 2 hour phone conversation with her, I should write my frustrations down.

So lately, I've been very upset for reasons I wish I actually, really knew. To make me feel better, Laura was nice enough to accompany and watch Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince today. Which, by the way, rocked. Although, I did have some let downs. But overall, it was highly enjoyable.

Anyway, thank you Laura Ingrao for being such great company.

Right, back to the topic, I think I've found the premise of my melancholy. And I was so hyped up about how I wanted to write it on Blogger in hopes that you (one of the persons causing my melancholy) would read. But you know what?

I couldn't even be bothered to write it all down. It's like, in my head, I'm just, fuck it. Fuck this. Fuck whatever I want to write, and most importantly, fuck you. I think the best punishment I can give you is for you to not get into my head, not know how I feel, and know that you're capable of hurting me. You're just not worth it.

Here's to all the guys who said they would be there, and when I push them away, won't fight to stay. And all the guys who say they are there but do nothing about it. Or in this case, tell me they miss me but show no effort into actually talking to me. Fine, go have a life. But is it so wrong for me to want to be a part of it?

Whatever. I just miss my person, Antonia. And I want to get out of this town. I want to be somewhere new.





Person, I cannot wait to see you once school starts. Crossing my fingers for English with you and being in the same homeroom. If you're reading, ich hab dich ganz lieb. <3

In School... Again.

Right now I'm in English. It makes me happy to know that they do not block blogger in school. My friend, Antonia, is somehow not here. And I think, if it weren't for the fact that I'm too tired, I would have spazzed. First of all, she's probably the only friend I have in English. It's not like I'm anti-social. I just want to surround myself with people who want to work. Especially in English. Hence, I have Antonia. A hard-working yet fun person to be around with.

And when the day I need her the most, that's when she decided to skip the first two periods of school. Convenient, no? What I am happy about, though, was we spent the first 30 minutes of the lesson reading 'And Then There Were None' by Agatha Christie. I've always wanted to read mystery and crime novels but I've never found something that has caught my interest. So, to have to read this for the Mystery and Crime unit in English thrilled me. I managed to read about 22 pages whilst others were still at page 9. This is most likely because 1) they are too busy chatting away with their friends instead of reading or 2) sleeping behind their books or 3) just happen to be a slow reader.

Don't get me wrong, I love slow readers. I am a slow reader. But there's an easy way to overcome this. Read a lot. The more you read, the faster you get with reading a book. That's why writers, who part of their job is to read almost everything, read very fast. Scientists read fast, too. Well, not really. But I know my mom does. Back in her day, computers were not available to her. All her research were from books. After awhile, you acquire a skill called 'speed reading'. I am still trying to acquire that skill... but I'm getting there ;-)

Today is a stressy day. I needed to complete four experiments for Chemistry, then memorized a whole essay for History. It's taken its toll on me. I slept at 12 last night to finish off the experiments, and stayed up all night memorizing the essay. I had a nervous breakdown. I cried, and cried and cried and cried. Eventually, I slept.

I needed to wake up early to get data from Laura for the experiments. If it were not a practical assessment, I would have not bothered. But since it counted as my grade, I needed to put at least a little effort to it. All in all, I had a horrible day yesterday. And today will still be horrible... until 12.50pm. Then all my assessments will be over and I can finally give myself a break.

I'm supposed to be writing my 'Write-up' for my advertisement that I made in English. I could use up this energy to writing it rather than this blog. But you know, my priorities aren't straight. Anyhow, I feel sick. Like, 'my stomach is empty, I want to barf, I feel incredibly hot, and I want to die' sick.

Bye. Hope all of you are ten times better than I am right now.

It's Amazing

You think you know someone.. until you see them for who they are. Who they truly are. And you notice that they put on a facade and act okay with you. Obviously, you should know better not to just talk about yourself and let that other person say what she feels, too! But don't you have the right to know as well?

It's amazing how little I know of my best friend. I don't even know if I can still call her that. So as I was mindlessly adding books on Goodreads (you should check it out if you're a reader in need of new books and into sharing your opinion about it!) until suddenly this little pop-up appears on my screen and it says, "Your friends &^%$ just updated her blog on Friendster!" and my immediate reaction was, "She still goes on that damn thing?! And she has a blog? Hmmm" so I signed in and checked it out.

I was so surprised to see what I found. Out of about, I don't know, 8 posts.. there was only 1 that I knew what she was talking about. The rest were just beyond me! Obviously they were all about boys and how she felt about them.. but.. aren't these things a best friend should know about? Perhaps she doesn't really consider me as one of her best friends anymore and does not value me as much as her other friends like Aida.. who's friends with another Aida.. who is completely driving her crazy! Or her obvious boyfriend issues.

I don't know. I just thought I meant more to her than that, you know? Well.. what can you do, huh?

Science

Apparently.. I suck at Science. I've known this for quite awhile. But at first, I didn't think I was that bad.

I was wrong.

Which is bad. Considering the fact that both my rentals (AKA parents) are Scientists. And not just any scientists, but like, hardcore Astrophysicist and Geologist type scientists. (I am ware that I sounded very stupid when I said that.. but hey, I'm in a stupid mood at the moment. 'Sides, I am stupid so what's the need to even sound smart?!) My rentals don't pressure me or anything. It's just.. the pressure is there. The expectations to meet. The achievements to be made.

Anyways, I am so bad at it.. that.. I'm just bad, okay?! Really bad. And I'm surrounded by smart as hell people who are.. smart as hell. So not am I only pressured by the fact that my two rentals are geniuses but also peer pressure! I know I'm supposed to be strong and improve myself and whatnot.. but to be frank, I've really gotten to a point where I just give up. I'm so discouraged. I don't even care about science. It's like, whatever happens, I'm still bad at it.

One of the rentals suggests that I should read more books about Science.. expand my knowledge.. so now she thinks the books I read aren't.. intellectual enough. They are all stupid, shallow, teenage books that don't teach us shit about anything at all in this world. But you know what? A while ago, I didn't even like reading! I hated books! So she's lucky enough that I am reading.. whether it be substantial books or not. It's better than nothing, right?! What if I just give up reading in general?! Just make myself more stupid as days pass by.

I'm so discouraged to do well that I don't even bother trying to find out what the right answer is. I have a crapped up teacher who has a thick Spanish accent and horrible handwriting! She won't even give us answers when we don't know! And I don't want to appear stupid to my mom so I just don't ask. I just don't ask at all. Because then she'll realize how little I know and it will just end badly. Similarly to Math awhile back. When I didn't understand something in Math, I was terrified to ask my mom. Because it always ended with me feeling stupid and her hitting me with the thick Math book. Hell, I deserve it so I won't call it abuse. It's the way I feel after that was just unbearable. I remember being in tears right after every "math" session we had. And yeah, I felt slightly better knowing my dad isn't so good at math but when my mom starts comparing me to my brother.. then I just can't take it anymore. He's perfect, too. Obedient, smart, hardworking.. conservative. And I'm this.. messed up child who only dances around at home.. watches Grey's Anatomy.. eat snicker bars.. read stupid romance books.. and other bad messed up child stuff.

Whatever it is, I give up on science. I just give up. I hate the fucking teacher. I hate my fucking stupidity. I hate the fact that I'm so fucking weak that I can't overcome this. I'm a fucking quitter.

I give up.

You Still Pull Me Home

Random stuff... I'm feeling slightly 'blue' at the moment. And I need some cheering up. But I don't have that, so I shall indulge in this instead.. I don't know what indulgence I get from this.. but whatever. I don't need to explain myself! Not to you, you, or even you! And especially not to him. So just, like, leave me alone? I don't need this. I don't want this. I just need to get you out of my system. Because let's face it.. I'm always going to be the one waiting.. and you're always going to be the one waiting for someone else. Dammit, sometimes I wish I was smarter. It's due to my stupidity for even liking you all over again that I'm in this mess. That I'm in this state. I'm so sick and tired of falling for someone who won't even catch me, for making someone a priority when I'm only an option. I know I deserve better. And I definitely don't deserve you.

***

How do you stop loving someone?
It was one of the world's more brutal mysteries.
The more you tried, the less it worked.

Are you seriously going to sit here and ask me if I'm okay?
After ignoring me all week, ripping my heart out,
throwing it on the ground, and repeatedly stomping on it?
Yeah asshole, I'm great.

Things didn't turn out the way I wanted it to.
You found out the wrong way.
I reacted the wrong way.
Which lead to you reacting the wrong way.
And now, everything is just wrong.
But you know what? It wasn't just me.
You had no right to lead me on.
When you were only leading me to NO WHERE.

I want to be the one you're waiting for... not the one waiting for you.