she's not broken, she's just a baby.

I've been addicted to 8tracks.com for awhile now. He's like my little dirty secret. I normally don't search for different types of music because who cares what genre we listen to? Which brings me to another thing which I might as well tell you while I'm thinking it. You know those people who ask, "So... what music do you listen to?" What do you say to that? Well, mostly people drop some band names and artists or just genres. But how about this for an answer: GOOD MUSIC! (yes, Dari, credit will go to where it is deserved.)

Right... now... where was I? Oh, yes! On 8tracks.com, I guess it would be appropriate to search for genres to get to the mixes you want, but I don't do that. I search for emotions. Or things like: love, sweet, heartbroken, angst, youth, anger, owls, lust, melancholy and hippie. I find them a lot more accurate because that's what music does. It conjures up those sort of thoughts and emotions. I mean, owls... seriously? but it's true!

This mix here is one I listen to a lot of the time when I'm down. Especially when it comes to the one I'd rather not name because my coping method used to be writing, but I can't say anything bad about him. Him and writing? I can only come up with pathetic, sappy and poetic crap that makes me look sad and not vice versa. Music, however, is just there. Floating in the air. You soak it in the way you want to and leave out the dirty bits you don't like.

Anywho, I'm in a low point in my life right now. And I need my friends the most, but where are they? Who are they? I don't know. I honestly don't. I'm about to send an inbox to my group of friends and they're not going to like it. This act may be the last act of mine that will completely cut me off. What would that mean? I'd have to sit with Caroline and Peer in Homeroom classes.

We'll just see how it goes. If they really are my friends, they'd understand and not hold it against me. If they're not, then... I'm glad I found out sooner rather than later. Or would this be later? Who knows...

The last time I cried, it was in Croatia. It was in the middle of the night. I just finished watching Dear John and when I watch sad movies like that, my mind tends to make my life look like a love story written by Nicholas Sparks. So I cried.

Well, that's not true. I cried about an hour ago. And I think, the moment right before I drift off to sleep, I'll be crying again.

Why am I the way I am? Why can't I be someone else? Someone likeable, sociable and maybe even lovable. Why am I awkward, distant, and slightly standoffish.

Sure, you can say it's a state of mind and you can change it, but to you, all I can say: shut the fuck up.

This is how I am. I have low self-esteem. No pep-talk saying, "you can change, you just need to put your mind into it!" is going to change that. If anything, it only makes it worse. Some people are born with it. Some people learn it from a young age. I just wasn't lucky.

I'm not a Dari.

And I guess that's the problem. Why the fuck am I not? Well, here's the simple truth darling: you're just not her. You're just sad, pathetic you and that's all you're ever going to be.















"And honestly, I'm not sure if I should keep holding on or let go. It's stupid to hold on to something that just keeps hurting you, but it's also stupid to let go of everything you ever wanted."

packing for a two-week trip

the title says it all.

here I am. up at 0524 hours, still unpacked... for a flight that leaves in 4 hours. I've got no sleep. I've just been prolonging the dreaded task of packing.

don't get me wrong. packing's fine. especially when you know exactly what you'll be doing for the next few days and you know where you'll be and therefore know how the weather'll be like in that specific area.

is it the same for this trip? NO.

so, my dad's come up with this vacation where we initially spend 3 days in London, then suddenly we're off by the English Riviera, and then the rest of the days are uncertain. I do, however, know that we'll be in parts of Ireland and Scotland. that doesn't give a girl much information! also, we're going to these obscure places that aren't even easy to find the weather for!

in addition, we're going for two weeks. do you know the amount of clothes needed in such duration? heaps! especially if you're me and refuse to wear something twice on holiday. which I tend to. but you know what I hate more than wearing something twice on vacation? dragging along massive quantities of big and old bags that won't even slide well, so when I use the word drag... I'm not exaggerating!

I am so stressed. I am not looking forward to this trip. I want to go to sleep. I want to see this boy I'm absolutely crazy about, I want him to hold me, tell me everything will be fine. I need him to give me some form of happiness. Maybe then my mind will calm down.

To said boy: I miss you terribly.

Sleepless in Vienna

It's 5.54AM.

I haven't slept one bit. This has got to end. For the past 2 weeks and a bit, my sleeping patterns have just been messed up. I had this conversation with Jj...


[29/07/2010 22:05:16] JJ Park: :)
[29/07/2010 22:05:26] Elida: brb
[29/07/2010 22:05:30] Elida: dinner!
[29/07/2010 22:05:39] Elida: and then i'll take a looooong hot bath ;)
[29/07/2010 22:09:40] JJ Park: dinner?
[29/07/2010 22:09:42] JJ Park: its 10 pm
[29/07/2010 22:28:23] Elida: yeah well i had breakfast at 2pm
[29/07/2010 22:28:25] Elida: so... dinner's at 10
[29/07/2010 22:28:29] Elida: :P
[29/07/2010 22:29:01] JJ Park: ..
[29/07/2010 22:29:02] JJ Park: riiight
[29/07/2010 22:29:29] Elida: what? i don't go to sleep until 3am anyway so it's all good :P
[29/07/2010 22:29:39] JJ Park: so technically
[29/07/2010 22:29:48] JJ Park: ur still lving in like us time zome :)

It did not dawn upon me that I was still in the US time zone. It did not occur to me that I may just in fact be suffering from a long-term case of jet-lag. Blond moment, much?

Apart from that, I'm just really annoyed with a 'friend' of mine. I told myself I wasn't going to bitch about anyone openly on this blog but a girl needs to vent otherwise she explodes. And when she does, it ain't pretty! But in order for it to be less mean, I'll try stay as neutral as possible and not drop names. :)

WHAT A HOEBAG! >.<

hahaha. Just kidding. I was being contradictory, you see. Get it? No. Okay. Moving on.

I've tried patching things up, going out of my way to make things easier between the two of us. Trying to be at least friendly with each other but now we're merely 'acquaintances' and I don't know how to function like that. Given our circumstance, it's going to be really hard. So, whoever who might notice, I hope you understand my absence in... well... life. Vague? Well, yeah. Staying neutral, remember? I just wish she would not make it so blatantly obvious that she just doesn't feel so close to me. I mean, I get it. It's not like I'm her best friend or anything, but at least have the decency of replying to my wallpost. That's just being courteous, okay? Should not be so hard.

Some may say that I've brought this down on myself because I've found other people. But really, is that a crime? So what if I go out and get some perspective? So what if I get out of my comfort zone from time to time? So what if I don't only gravitate towards you? So what if I live a little more rather than sit at home watching other people live? It may have not improved me in school or whatever, but as a person, socially, I feel like I've reached milestones! I'm not this shy little anti-social asian nerd stuck in one corner with a book in front of my face, standing back being a wallflower. I mean, we're only teenagers once in our lives... might as well live it up while we still can and we're allowed to screw up! Life's a huge rollercoaster ride. We're entitled to some thrills.

Since when did life get so serious? Schoolwork, ballroom dancing, studying for exams. I get it, all of this is important. I know I'm not one of those people who don't try hard at all and still get a good grade on something. I'm not naturally smart that way. I work reasonably hard, and study as much as I can (albeit the day before) in order to get the grade I think I deserve. I can't just not study and get a 7. It just doesn't work. But that doesn't mean I should spend my weekends studying my ass off and focusing only about getting a stupid number on my report card. Granted, those silly old numbers make a difference. But see, in my opinion, if they don't matter to you, then they really don't matter at all. So what if it matters to a university? To your future employers? Screw them!

This sort of attitude is very silly, but really, grades only become important up to a certain extent. My circle of friends don't get that, my parents don't get that and neither do my siblings. So hear me out. When you're 80, in your deathbed, you're not going to be thinking about how many points you got in the IB. You're going to be thinking about the night you spent in the hospital suffering from hypothermia because the night before the IB, you decided to go skinny dipping with a whole bunch of friends just for the sake of it. You're not going to be thinking about that grade you got on your Grade 10 end of year Math exam. You'll be thinking about the first time you locked eyes with the love of your life. And you will definitely not remember all those endless day and nights you spent locked in your room studying for a test. You're remembering the moment your child first says, "Mama" to you.  (I'm saying this assuming my readership is strictly the female gender, if I'm wrong, I apologise. In your case they'll say Dad or something. But babies hardly say Dad... so.)

Do you get it? Grades will only get you so far. In the end, it's up to you. And no matter what you choose, you chose right. You know why? Because at the moment when you chose it, it was exactly what you needed. It could've been the right one which lead you to the awesome person you are now... or a mistake which you will forever learn a lesson from. Either way, life's not THAT short to be afraid of making mistakes. Life's for living. So go live a little. ;)