Science

Apparently.. I suck at Science. I've known this for quite awhile. But at first, I didn't think I was that bad.

I was wrong.

Which is bad. Considering the fact that both my rentals (AKA parents) are Scientists. And not just any scientists, but like, hardcore Astrophysicist and Geologist type scientists. (I am ware that I sounded very stupid when I said that.. but hey, I'm in a stupid mood at the moment. 'Sides, I am stupid so what's the need to even sound smart?!) My rentals don't pressure me or anything. It's just.. the pressure is there. The expectations to meet. The achievements to be made.

Anyways, I am so bad at it.. that.. I'm just bad, okay?! Really bad. And I'm surrounded by smart as hell people who are.. smart as hell. So not am I only pressured by the fact that my two rentals are geniuses but also peer pressure! I know I'm supposed to be strong and improve myself and whatnot.. but to be frank, I've really gotten to a point where I just give up. I'm so discouraged. I don't even care about science. It's like, whatever happens, I'm still bad at it.

One of the rentals suggests that I should read more books about Science.. expand my knowledge.. so now she thinks the books I read aren't.. intellectual enough. They are all stupid, shallow, teenage books that don't teach us shit about anything at all in this world. But you know what? A while ago, I didn't even like reading! I hated books! So she's lucky enough that I am reading.. whether it be substantial books or not. It's better than nothing, right?! What if I just give up reading in general?! Just make myself more stupid as days pass by.

I'm so discouraged to do well that I don't even bother trying to find out what the right answer is. I have a crapped up teacher who has a thick Spanish accent and horrible handwriting! She won't even give us answers when we don't know! And I don't want to appear stupid to my mom so I just don't ask. I just don't ask at all. Because then she'll realize how little I know and it will just end badly. Similarly to Math awhile back. When I didn't understand something in Math, I was terrified to ask my mom. Because it always ended with me feeling stupid and her hitting me with the thick Math book. Hell, I deserve it so I won't call it abuse. It's the way I feel after that was just unbearable. I remember being in tears right after every "math" session we had. And yeah, I felt slightly better knowing my dad isn't so good at math but when my mom starts comparing me to my brother.. then I just can't take it anymore. He's perfect, too. Obedient, smart, hardworking.. conservative. And I'm this.. messed up child who only dances around at home.. watches Grey's Anatomy.. eat snicker bars.. read stupid romance books.. and other bad messed up child stuff.

Whatever it is, I give up on science. I just give up. I hate the fucking teacher. I hate my fucking stupidity. I hate the fact that I'm so fucking weak that I can't overcome this. I'm a fucking quitter.

I give up.